Self Loathing

In general, I am a rather confident person.  I believe in my abilities, I know I have self worth, I’m important to my friends and family, and I am reasonably successful in my work.  And most of the time, I am o.k. with who I am.

But every once in a while, I start to feel really discontent with myself.  I feel my belly bulge out or my thighs rub together, and there is an actual rush of repulsion.  I wonder how could I be confident when I am this big?  Who could take me seriously, as a professional, when I look like this?  Do I embarrass my daughter in front of her friends yet?

I feel the tug of my pyjama top around my upper arms, and feel it ride up my back.  The legs of my jeans get snug.  A new roll tips out of the back of my bra.  I find myself doing a funny bend when I drop something – the kind of bend where you spread your legs first then bend over….I guess this allows my belly to have freedom to hang down and not get caught in between.  Pretty image, isn’t it?!

And here’s something new – my lap seems to be getting shorter.  My laptop doesn’t seem to come up as close to me as it used.  Something seems to be forcing it further down my lap.  Ugh!  It’s that belly again.

As much as I try to joke about things, I really do feel a blast of self loathing every once in a while.  Today is one of those days.

I keep thinking about how I might be after the surgery, in another 9 months maybe.  I’m hesitant to think too much, because there are still so many assessments to get through before a determination is made to do the surgery.  I dream of seeing people I hadn’t seen in a while and feeling so free.  I wonder if I’ll dye my dark hair blonde, as I have always wanted to do.  Will I have a lot of saggy skin?  Will I have more energy?  Will I start to jog, then start to run?

So many possibilities.  In all the self loathing, there is still some optimism…..fingers crossed!