Hurry, Please, Hurry!

So now it’s Sunday….it’s been 3.5 weeks since my information session.  They told me it would take 2-3 months for the first of the assessment appointments to begin.  That means it is approximately another 4.5 – 9.5 weeks until that happens.  I would be thrilled just to get the appointment made so I could schedule my life around that.

Have I been making changes to my lifestyle?  Well, surprisingly, I have been able to maintain the walking over the last week and a half.  I’m pretty happy about that.  (Today I am being a complete loaf because I am feeling really tired for some reason.)

Another change they suggested we adopt is to chew food slowly, methodically.  We are supposed to be sure the food is well macerated.  This should slow down our eating process, as well as help in the digestion of food.  This is not one of the things I have been cognizant of.  My goal for this week, in addition to the continued walking, is focus on slowly, thoroughly chewing my food.

They also informed us that breakfast should happen within 2 hours of waking up.  I’m not really a huge breakfast person, not that I’ve ever struggled with having breakfast, I just prefer to have a couple of cups of coffee then start to consider eating something.  It’s usually around 3 hours after waking that I am ready to eat, so I guess this is a pretty easy shift that I can incorporate.

The one thing I cannot seem to incorporate is eating less calories.  I keep weighing myself, somehow thinking that the scale will miraculously go down.  There is no real change to my diet, so I don’t know why I think that will happen.  Maybe the walking will magically melt my pounds?

My husband has changed his diet completely to address some health issues he was concerned with – nothing too serious, just some reflux and asthma.  He has eliminated caffeine, sugar, white bread.  And of course, his stomach weight just melts away.  I was actually getting snarky with him when he was lamenting a plateau.  He was getting no sympathy from me, because he was so easily able to adapt to a healthier diet.  He has dropped about 15 – 20 lbs over the last few months.  But he is happy to eat a boiled egg and salad for lunch, a protein shake with mango and pineapple for breakfast, and a horrible fillet of tilapi for dinner with some veggies.  Yuck!

The protein shakes for breakfast would be o.k. with me if I made it with things I like, maybe some bananas instead.  And the salad would be fine, but would need something substantial to go along with it to sustain me through the afternoon like some cheese and crackers or a sandwich.  I don’t know how he works all day with that in his body.  Part of my problem is that I just don’t think I can eat that little and make it through a day.

Last week I needed to go to the hairdressers to have my roots done.  This is not an experience I enjoy anymore because of a couple of things – the huge mirror that sits in front of the chair, and the chair.  The mirror shows everything about the body sitting in front of it.  All day long, I avoid looking at myself.  The mirrors in my house are positioned not to show much of me, and I avert my eyes when walking by plate glass windows.  Having to stare directly into the mirror just a few feet in front of me is not a pleasant reality.  Then there is the chair.  Definitely not made to fit a large posterior.  Actually designed to curve up the sides of your hips and squish everything into the middle.  Thank God for the big black cape that eventually gets billowed over the body!  I usually block out the process of the hairdresser pumping up the chair height.  I tell myself it’s hydraulic, not hard for them to do……I keep telling myself that with each pump….

In my mind I am already thin.  I have already transitioned to the life I want to be leading.  I just need time to catch up with my imagination…..Hurry, please, hurry!!!!



Self Loathing

In general, I am a rather confident person.  I believe in my abilities, I know I have self worth, I’m important to my friends and family, and I am reasonably successful in my work.  And most of the time, I am o.k. with who I am.

But every once in a while, I start to feel really discontent with myself.  I feel my belly bulge out or my thighs rub together, and there is an actual rush of repulsion.  I wonder how could I be confident when I am this big?  Who could take me seriously, as a professional, when I look like this?  Do I embarrass my daughter in front of her friends yet?

I feel the tug of my pyjama top around my upper arms, and feel it ride up my back.  The legs of my jeans get snug.  A new roll tips out of the back of my bra.  I find myself doing a funny bend when I drop something – the kind of bend where you spread your legs first then bend over….I guess this allows my belly to have freedom to hang down and not get caught in between.  Pretty image, isn’t it?!

And here’s something new – my lap seems to be getting shorter.  My laptop doesn’t seem to come up as close to me as it used.  Something seems to be forcing it further down my lap.  Ugh!  It’s that belly again.

As much as I try to joke about things, I really do feel a blast of self loathing every once in a while.  Today is one of those days.

I keep thinking about how I might be after the surgery, in another 9 months maybe.  I’m hesitant to think too much, because there are still so many assessments to get through before a determination is made to do the surgery.  I dream of seeing people I hadn’t seen in a while and feeling so free.  I wonder if I’ll dye my dark hair blonde, as I have always wanted to do.  Will I have a lot of saggy skin?  Will I have more energy?  Will I start to jog, then start to run?

So many possibilities.  In all the self loathing, there is still some optimism…..fingers crossed!