Hurry, Please, Hurry!

So now it’s Sunday….it’s been 3.5 weeks since my information session.  They told me it would take 2-3 months for the first of the assessment appointments to begin.  That means it is approximately another 4.5 – 9.5 weeks until that happens.  I would be thrilled just to get the appointment made so I could schedule my life around that.

Have I been making changes to my lifestyle?  Well, surprisingly, I have been able to maintain the walking over the last week and a half.  I’m pretty happy about that.  (Today I am being a complete loaf because I am feeling really tired for some reason.)

Another change they suggested we adopt is to chew food slowly, methodically.  We are supposed to be sure the food is well macerated.  This should slow down our eating process, as well as help in the digestion of food.  This is not one of the things I have been cognizant of.  My goal for this week, in addition to the continued walking, is focus on slowly, thoroughly chewing my food.

They also informed us that breakfast should happen within 2 hours of waking up.  I’m not really a huge breakfast person, not that I’ve ever struggled with having breakfast, I just prefer to have a couple of cups of coffee then start to consider eating something.  It’s usually around 3 hours after waking that I am ready to eat, so I guess this is a pretty easy shift that I can incorporate.

The one thing I cannot seem to incorporate is eating less calories.  I keep weighing myself, somehow thinking that the scale will miraculously go down.  There is no real change to my diet, so I don’t know why I think that will happen.  Maybe the walking will magically melt my pounds?

My husband has changed his diet completely to address some health issues he was concerned with – nothing too serious, just some reflux and asthma.  He has eliminated caffeine, sugar, white bread.  And of course, his stomach weight just melts away.  I was actually getting snarky with him when he was lamenting a plateau.  He was getting no sympathy from me, because he was so easily able to adapt to a healthier diet.  He has dropped about 15 – 20 lbs over the last few months.  But he is happy to eat a boiled egg and salad for lunch, a protein shake with mango and pineapple for breakfast, and a horrible fillet of tilapi for dinner with some veggies.  Yuck!

The protein shakes for breakfast would be o.k. with me if I made it with things I like, maybe some bananas instead.  And the salad would be fine, but would need something substantial to go along with it to sustain me through the afternoon like some cheese and crackers or a sandwich.  I don’t know how he works all day with that in his body.  Part of my problem is that I just don’t think I can eat that little and make it through a day.

Last week I needed to go to the hairdressers to have my roots done.  This is not an experience I enjoy anymore because of a couple of things – the huge mirror that sits in front of the chair, and the chair.  The mirror shows everything about the body sitting in front of it.  All day long, I avoid looking at myself.  The mirrors in my house are positioned not to show much of me, and I avert my eyes when walking by plate glass windows.  Having to stare directly into the mirror just a few feet in front of me is not a pleasant reality.  Then there is the chair.  Definitely not made to fit a large posterior.  Actually designed to curve up the sides of your hips and squish everything into the middle.  Thank God for the big black cape that eventually gets billowed over the body!  I usually block out the process of the hairdresser pumping up the chair height.  I tell myself it’s hydraulic, not hard for them to do……I keep telling myself that with each pump….

In my mind I am already thin.  I have already transitioned to the life I want to be leading.  I just need time to catch up with my imagination…..Hurry, please, hurry!!!!

 

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Pure Vanity

So, it’s Monday.  Always the day for starting a new regime.  But I don’t need to start over, I’ve actually been adhering to my plan for the last few days.  Curious as to what motivated that?  Pure vanity.

I may have mentioned that I’m not really in the flush of my youth, somewhere in my late 40’s.  I used to be really pretty, even though I was hefty.  And I had smooth skin, energy, strength, and to some people, sex appeal.  Now….none of those things.  The skin around my eyes has started to wrinkle, there is a saggy double chin, my silhouette is not curvaceous, my skin has no youthful glow, and believe me when I say, there is not much anyone might find sexy about me these days.  My strength has disappeared with my lazy lifestyle.  Now I just look like some fat, old woman who needs help from the strong, handsome young men that might once have had a flirtatious gleam in their eyes.  Sad.

Some of that is the reality of aging.  But certainly not all of that.  I think of Sophia Loren, and that is what I want to be like at this age.  Mature, but sexy, beautiful – vibrant and alive.

I had a conversation with a handsome young man last week, and immediately started to feel vibrant, but then started to realize what I looked like on the outside.  That put a big damper on my confidence.  Actually made me feel sad.  The sadness started to pass once a feeling of resolve starting to kick in.

I don’t need to be this way.  I can make changes.  I can control myself.  It is not easy, but it is important.

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As I said, that was last week.  For the last 5 days or so, I have been walking or being outside being active.  Nothing major, no big production.  No changing into special cloths, packing a water bottle, going to a special spot and taking 2 hours out of my day to get a bit of movement into my body.  I just put on my boots and coat, got the dog and walked a mile.  I’ve done that 3 times now.  I also took my daughter outside and helped her build a snowman, then we went to hill to go tobogganing.  It was all I could do to walk up the hill without panting and huffing and puffing.  I didn’t want to embarrass her with that.  Needless to say I was not going down the hill on the toboggan.  I did what I do most times she is involved with some kind of physical activity, I stayed on the sidelines.  I absolutely cannot imagine getting my butt onto that little toboggan and bouncing down the hill.  Tonight, her Brownie troupe are going tubing and I will not be attending.  Her dad will go with her.  I always feign distaste at snow activities, but the honest truth is that I am too fat to find warm winter clothes that I can wear that don’t make it more impossible or more uncomfortable for me to move.  So she looses out on some fun activity time together, and I stay sedentary.  This can’t go on.

There are a couple of apps I love to use on my phone.  One is the S Health that is part of my Samsung.  It has a widget that shows the number of steps I take each day.  And it can translate into kms or miles.   There are a ton of other things it will do as well, however, with the tracking widget, I just have to glance at the screen to see where I am.

The other app I love is the My Fitness Pal.  This app is an amazing tracking app for food, weight, measurements, discussion forums.  It makes it incredibly easy to track your food by typing in the name of what you are eating, or, better yet, it scans the bar code and finds the info for you.  Almost every fast food restaurant has been included, and practically every food you could think of has been entered.  Ignorance used to be bliss, but knowledge is power.  Now, if I choose to eat Ruby Thai (never heard of them?  my fit pal has), I can still track my consumption.

The other great thing about this app is that it lets me track the macros I eat.  This way, I can keep to my balance of fat/carbs/protein along with the amount of calories.  Tracking the macros make choosing foods a lot easier.  Once I understand what the food is made of, I can decide if I should eat it.  Of course, this is only helpful is I actually track my food.

For the last few days, I have managed to cut out the high fat, high calorie, late night snacks.  I heard someone say that the late night snacks are a reward for getting through the day, and that really clicked with me.  My days are often difficult and long.  My daughter has high functioning autism, my husband commutes to work a full time job and has his own business on the side, my mother lives nearby and requires a lot of care that needs me to get groceries and run her to numerous doctor’s appointments.  I also run my own business.  It gets exhausting.  The last thing I want to add to my to-do list is take care of myself.  But I need to.

Check back in a couple of days and we’ll see if I have still kept up the walks and better eating.

Self Loathing

In general, I am a rather confident person.  I believe in my abilities, I know I have self worth, I’m important to my friends and family, and I am reasonably successful in my work.  And most of the time, I am o.k. with who I am.

But every once in a while, I start to feel really discontent with myself.  I feel my belly bulge out or my thighs rub together, and there is an actual rush of repulsion.  I wonder how could I be confident when I am this big?  Who could take me seriously, as a professional, when I look like this?  Do I embarrass my daughter in front of her friends yet?

I feel the tug of my pyjama top around my upper arms, and feel it ride up my back.  The legs of my jeans get snug.  A new roll tips out of the back of my bra.  I find myself doing a funny bend when I drop something – the kind of bend where you spread your legs first then bend over….I guess this allows my belly to have freedom to hang down and not get caught in between.  Pretty image, isn’t it?!

And here’s something new – my lap seems to be getting shorter.  My laptop doesn’t seem to come up as close to me as it used.  Something seems to be forcing it further down my lap.  Ugh!  It’s that belly again.

As much as I try to joke about things, I really do feel a blast of self loathing every once in a while.  Today is one of those days.

I keep thinking about how I might be after the surgery, in another 9 months maybe.  I’m hesitant to think too much, because there are still so many assessments to get through before a determination is made to do the surgery.  I dream of seeing people I hadn’t seen in a while and feeling so free.  I wonder if I’ll dye my dark hair blonde, as I have always wanted to do.  Will I have a lot of saggy skin?  Will I have more energy?  Will I start to jog, then start to run?

So many possibilities.  In all the self loathing, there is still some optimism…..fingers crossed!